This is nothing but a collection of things I've thought about sending you via that technological contraption we calls texts, but that I didn't send and will never send. For whatever reason, be it pride, self-preservation, or simply that Greg Behrendt tells me not to, you will never get these:
What on earth did you mean by "hang out"?
Do you really think a text is an acceptable substitute for a phone call?
I'm bored. I scrolled through my contact list. That is all, nothing more.
It's a yes or no question, how hard is that?
I know we haven't talked in years, so you either don't remember me or I left such a horrible impression that you're ignoring this text.
I'm really afraid that the texts I send you become part of a show-and-tell deal between you and your friends
Really? Be vaguer.
My five-year-old cousin spells better than that.
You have a full goddamn keyboard on your phone. How hard is it to just spell out the word "you"?
I sent you a text like 10 minutes ago. Why have you not written me back?
I can't tell if you're angry or joking. I'm afraid to respond.
I was testing you just now. You did not pass.
I would never have the guts to say this out loud.
Seriously, I didn't mean that literally, I just wanted to see if you would bite.
Please tell me you're joking.
I have no idea what you just said.
Why is it so hard for you to just text back in a timely manner?
I wanna text you back, but I didn't get yours until hours after you sent it so it might be awkward.
I'm 90% sure you have the wrong number, but I'm really tempted to write back.
Why must you insist on returning my thoughtful messages with "K" or "Sure"?
Do you really miss me?
Are you drunk?
When will you understand I do not engage in sexting?
Why don't you ever text me first?
Yes I own handcuffs but I'll never admit it.
I'm really not sure how to gracefully exit this conversation.
You wouldn't have sent me that message sober and it depresses me.
NO, "i luv u" is not equivalent to texting "I Love You," or, hell, even saying it.
Would you actually wink at me, or is the smiley just convenient.
When did texting replace actual phone calls.
I'm trying to flirt without seeming obvious. Is it working?
Please come over. I need you.
I would say don't ever call or text me again, but I don't actually mean it and I know you'd listen.
I used that same joke like an hour ago I cant believe you found it funny.
It pisses me off you won't ask me out already.
I look forward to your daily messages.
You're actually worth the extra expense texting brings to my life.
I really hope nobody ever reads these.
Your filthy mind is actually slightly intriguing.
I can't tell if you actually meant what you just said.
Subtext. Fuck this.
Yes, I can't make it tonight is code for I no longer find you hot.
Yes, as a matter of fact I am freezing you out.
No, as a matter of fact I am not busy but I will say anything to make it seem like I am.
It drives me nuts you say "LOL" after every single thing.
How am I supposed to know for sure if you really got stuck somewhere?
I don't think you realize how much it kills me to analyze your stupid texts.
I reread anything you send me with the word "beautiful," "cutie," or "love" in it about 10 times.
If you text me every morning at the same time, the morning that you don't I will interpret as a sign that it's over.
You drive me crazy.
You're annoying.
I HATE YOU
I LOVE YOU.
And here's the thing. If I can't even find the nerve to text these things, how am I supposed to say them out loud?
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
The only serious post I will ever make
I found this quite touching and it really hit hard. Remember to reach out to people:
"We live our lives, we do whatever we do, and then we sleep—it’s as simple and ordinary as that. A few jump out of windows or drown themselves or take pills; more die by accident; and most of us, the vast majority, are slowly devoured by some disease or, if we’re very fortunate, by time itself. There’s just this for consolation: an hour here or there when our lives seem, against all odds and expectations, to burst open and give us everything we’ve ever imagined, though everyone but children (and perhaps even they) knows these hours will inevitably be followed by others, far darker and more difficult. Still we cherish the city, the morning; we hope, more than anything, for more. Heaven only knows why we love it so."
Points to anyone who can guess where this came from. No googling
"We live our lives, we do whatever we do, and then we sleep—it’s as simple and ordinary as that. A few jump out of windows or drown themselves or take pills; more die by accident; and most of us, the vast majority, are slowly devoured by some disease or, if we’re very fortunate, by time itself. There’s just this for consolation: an hour here or there when our lives seem, against all odds and expectations, to burst open and give us everything we’ve ever imagined, though everyone but children (and perhaps even they) knows these hours will inevitably be followed by others, far darker and more difficult. Still we cherish the city, the morning; we hope, more than anything, for more. Heaven only knows why we love it so."
Points to anyone who can guess where this came from. No googling
Monday, May 4, 2009
In Honor of My Birthday
Ok, so I know it's a little immature to glorify in one's own birthday, but I got to thinking about something today.
I have a really good memory
Seriously. names. other people's birthdays. addresses. I could recite scenes from movies verbatim since I could talk.
I have very clear memories of my 4th birthday (green dress), my 5th (got pro photos taken; i was not happy), my 6th (was sick), my 8th birthday (afternoon party with school friends) and everything after that.
But.
I cannot for the life of me remember what I did on my 7th birthday....Seriously, what was I doing that whole year??? Did something completely horrible happen that I chose to block that year out of my mind???
Did I get attacked by a swan?
Did my parents forget my birthday (unlikely, but just wondering if a 1st grade version of 16 candles might have transpired here)?
Is it like that creepy dystopian Lowry book where everybody has blank memories except flashes of like, red apples, or green grapes or something?
Did i get hit in the heat with a dart because believe it or not thats what i played with a child?
Or was it just so horrifyingly dismal and boring that my mind now skips over it? It's seriously like nothing ever happened. Like i just went from 6 to eight in one fell swoop (very macbeth of me to use that phrase, right?). In all honesty, I think I just developed really high standards really early and life, and its possible that my 7th birthday just didnt quite rise to the occasion.
And if thats true, does that mean i need to keep topping my previous birthday every year? Thats gonna be hard work. seriously, i dont know if im that talented. It's like my friend, who for anonymity's sake I'll call.....Clovis. Clovis says that I'm just so awesome and so the [expletive] that I just dont have time for nonsense. Any maybe the very definition of nonsense in my life was my 7th birthday.
Poor my 7th birthday. It wasn't like it was its fault or anything. it just lacked the drive, the passion, the sheer awesomeness of, say, my 15th birthday. Now that was cool. Getting the Bon Jovi gold plated record was about the coolest thing ever. Or like my 10th birthday when i got to ride around in a limo all afternoon. Or my 13th when i got my first iPod. It was pretty and blue and beautiful. No wonder my 7th birthday feels inferior. I should really do something to make it feel better. Send my 7th birthday flowers, or something, tell my 7th birthday that its ok, you're quiet, reserved, you make people come to you. You dont try to make statements like the other birthdays. So what if you're not as memorable. I'm sure the cake was good....
I have a really good memory
Seriously. names. other people's birthdays. addresses. I could recite scenes from movies verbatim since I could talk.
I have very clear memories of my 4th birthday (green dress), my 5th (got pro photos taken; i was not happy), my 6th (was sick), my 8th birthday (afternoon party with school friends) and everything after that.
But.
I cannot for the life of me remember what I did on my 7th birthday....Seriously, what was I doing that whole year??? Did something completely horrible happen that I chose to block that year out of my mind???
Did I get attacked by a swan?
Did my parents forget my birthday (unlikely, but just wondering if a 1st grade version of 16 candles might have transpired here)?
Is it like that creepy dystopian Lowry book where everybody has blank memories except flashes of like, red apples, or green grapes or something?
Did i get hit in the heat with a dart because believe it or not thats what i played with a child?
Or was it just so horrifyingly dismal and boring that my mind now skips over it? It's seriously like nothing ever happened. Like i just went from 6 to eight in one fell swoop (very macbeth of me to use that phrase, right?). In all honesty, I think I just developed really high standards really early and life, and its possible that my 7th birthday just didnt quite rise to the occasion.
And if thats true, does that mean i need to keep topping my previous birthday every year? Thats gonna be hard work. seriously, i dont know if im that talented. It's like my friend, who for anonymity's sake I'll call.....Clovis. Clovis says that I'm just so awesome and so the [expletive] that I just dont have time for nonsense. Any maybe the very definition of nonsense in my life was my 7th birthday.
Poor my 7th birthday. It wasn't like it was its fault or anything. it just lacked the drive, the passion, the sheer awesomeness of, say, my 15th birthday. Now that was cool. Getting the Bon Jovi gold plated record was about the coolest thing ever. Or like my 10th birthday when i got to ride around in a limo all afternoon. Or my 13th when i got my first iPod. It was pretty and blue and beautiful. No wonder my 7th birthday feels inferior. I should really do something to make it feel better. Send my 7th birthday flowers, or something, tell my 7th birthday that its ok, you're quiet, reserved, you make people come to you. You dont try to make statements like the other birthdays. So what if you're not as memorable. I'm sure the cake was good....
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Do You Remember Me, Gerald Ford?
Wow, I haven't posted in so long. Moment of Silence
Anyways, moment over.
I wanted to talk about something that has been troubling me for a number of weeks, but first I have to recall a bit from Dean Martin Celebrity Roast I watched when I was a kid.
Rich Little (famed impression-doer, very good) gets up to do his roasting when he decides to impersonate President Gerald Ford for a few laughs. He backs away from the podium, walks back toward it, trips, and says "Hello, do you remember me? If you don't, I have an American Express Card..."
Oh, I have a point. I promise.
So, I'm not actually sure what that whole bit means (other than the tripping bit, which was rather tickling), or why it's particularly funny, and not just plain strange. But I have to say, the other day while I was at work, I thought about this.
Why, you ask? Good Question
I work in retail, and because the computer isn't capable enough to differentiate among debit or credit (damn you technology, I thought you were supposed to think about this stuff so I wouldn't have to!), I am obligated to ask customers every time they pay with a card if it's debit or credit.
So I did that. And, mind you, half the time I can't even see what kind of card they pull out, and I must admit I'm not paying attention to a whole lot besides how hungry I am or why Keanu Reeves has a career as an actor. See, me...*points to her brain*--not so much up here. Anywho, based on all that, you can imagine my utter confusion one day when I politely and sweetly asked "debit or credit?" and the infamous customer said, "It's an American Express Card."
Ok...I know my brain is designed to process answers to questions I didnt actually ask, (such as, "will that be debit or credit?" and not "what kind of card do you currently possess in your hand?") but that still doesn't really help very much. Luckily my manager was around to explain to the customer that there's no way I could have actually known that AmEx only makes credit cards, barring any sort of actual interest in the world of finances. No thanks, mister. In any case, this has happened to me twice already and I only have to ask...
Why do people assume that random young people actually know that certain companies don't make ATM cards? Furthermore, why do they assume we even care? I'm sure it was all explained to me very carefully (some day, sometime....I cant say I was paying much attention....I want pie), but I would really rather someone not use "It's an American Express card" as a response to debit or credit. It's two words people, just PICK ONE!
Anyways, moment over.
I wanted to talk about something that has been troubling me for a number of weeks, but first I have to recall a bit from Dean Martin Celebrity Roast I watched when I was a kid.
Rich Little (famed impression-doer, very good) gets up to do his roasting when he decides to impersonate President Gerald Ford for a few laughs. He backs away from the podium, walks back toward it, trips, and says "Hello, do you remember me? If you don't, I have an American Express Card..."
Oh, I have a point. I promise.
So, I'm not actually sure what that whole bit means (other than the tripping bit, which was rather tickling), or why it's particularly funny, and not just plain strange. But I have to say, the other day while I was at work, I thought about this.
Why, you ask? Good Question
I work in retail, and because the computer isn't capable enough to differentiate among debit or credit (damn you technology, I thought you were supposed to think about this stuff so I wouldn't have to!), I am obligated to ask customers every time they pay with a card if it's debit or credit.
So I did that. And, mind you, half the time I can't even see what kind of card they pull out, and I must admit I'm not paying attention to a whole lot besides how hungry I am or why Keanu Reeves has a career as an actor. See, me...*points to her brain*--not so much up here. Anywho, based on all that, you can imagine my utter confusion one day when I politely and sweetly asked "debit or credit?" and the infamous customer said, "It's an American Express Card."
Ok...I know my brain is designed to process answers to questions I didnt actually ask, (such as, "will that be debit or credit?" and not "what kind of card do you currently possess in your hand?") but that still doesn't really help very much. Luckily my manager was around to explain to the customer that there's no way I could have actually known that AmEx only makes credit cards, barring any sort of actual interest in the world of finances. No thanks, mister. In any case, this has happened to me twice already and I only have to ask...
Why do people assume that random young people actually know that certain companies don't make ATM cards? Furthermore, why do they assume we even care? I'm sure it was all explained to me very carefully (some day, sometime....I cant say I was paying much attention....I want pie), but I would really rather someone not use "It's an American Express card" as a response to debit or credit. It's two words people, just PICK ONE!
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