A Poem: Texts I'll Never Send

This is nothing but a collection of things I've thought about sending you via that technological contraption we calls texts, but that I didn't send and will never send. For whatever reason, be it pride, self-preservation, or simply that Greg Behrendt tells me not to, you will never get these:

What on earth did you mean by "hang out"?
Do you really think a text is an acceptable substitute for a phone call?
I'm bored. I scrolled through my contact list. That is all, nothing more.
It's a yes or no question, how hard is that?
I know we haven't talked in years, so you either don't remember me or I left such a horrible impression that you're ignoring this text.
I'm really afraid that the texts I send you become part of a show-and-tell deal between you and your friends
Really? Be vaguer.
My five-year-old cousin spells better than that.
You have a full goddamn keyboard on your phone. How hard is it to just spell out the word "you"?
I sent you a text like 10 minutes ago. Why have you not written me back?
I can't tell if you're angry or joking. I'm afraid to respond.
I was testing you just now. You did not pass.
I would never have the guts to say this out loud.
Seriously, I didn't mean that literally, I just wanted to see if you would bite.
Please tell me you're joking.
I have no idea what you just said.
Why is it so hard for you to just text back in a timely manner?
I wanna text you back, but I didn't get yours until hours after you sent it so it might be awkward.
I'm 90% sure you have the wrong number, but I'm really tempted to write back.
Why must you insist on returning my thoughtful messages with "K" or "Sure"?
Do you really miss me?
Are you drunk?
When will you understand I do not engage in sexting?
Why don't you ever text me first?
Yes I own handcuffs but I'll never admit it.
I'm really not sure how to gracefully exit this conversation.
You wouldn't have sent me that message sober and it depresses me.
NO, "i luv u" is not equivalent to texting "I Love You," or, hell, even saying it.
Would you actually wink at me, or is the smiley just convenient.
When did texting replace actual phone calls.
I'm trying to flirt without seeming obvious. Is it working?
Please come over. I need you.
I would say don't ever call or text me again, but I don't actually mean it and I know you'd listen.
I used that same joke like an hour ago I cant believe you found it funny.
It pisses me off you won't ask me out already.
I look forward to your daily messages.
You're actually worth the extra expense texting brings to my life.
I really hope nobody ever reads these.
Your filthy mind is actually slightly intriguing.
I can't tell if you actually meant what you just said.
Subtext. Fuck this.
Yes, I can't make it tonight is code for I no longer find you hot.
Yes, as a matter of fact I am freezing you out.
No, as a matter of fact I am not busy but I will say anything to make it seem like I am.
It drives me nuts you say "LOL" after every single thing.
How am I supposed to know for sure if you really got stuck somewhere?
I don't think you realize how much it kills me to analyze your stupid texts.
I reread anything you send me with the word "beautiful," "cutie," or "love" in it about 10 times.
If you text me every morning at the same time, the morning that you don't I will interpret as a sign that it's over.
You drive me crazy.
You're annoying.
I HATE YOU
I LOVE YOU.

And here's the thing. If I can't even find the nerve to text these things, how am I supposed to say them out loud?